Another Story About Angelina Jolie
The Most Beautiful Woman on Earth
By: Charles Giuliano - Nov 28, 2011
Last night on 60 Minutes correspondent Bob Simon told us that “Now and then you draw the short straw.”
His tough assignment was to hang out with Angelina Jolie.
Whom he informed us is regarded as “The Most Beautiful Woman on Earth.”
Not that it comes with a lot of luck if you consider Helen of Troy or Marilyn Monroe.
Somehow 60 Minutes just ain’t what it used to be.
Now with Andy Rooney gone it just seems to end.
Ticks off so to speak.
We just look at each other and ask “Is that it?”
For a show so fixated on seconds and minutes it never starts on time.
It’s forever pushed back by football or golf. Nothing is more boring that golf on TV.
That ticks me off more than the ever softer namby pamby content.
Like a gushy softball interview with the Most Beautiful Woman on Earth.
Sure, she eats the camera.
Gives us those amazingly seductive, shy, self absorbed, bitchy looks.
Then a choked back tear or two at the mention of her mother.
A glimpse of humanity beyond the glamour but not really Oscar material.
And why Bob Simon with the short straw?
Leslie Stahl would have been way better.
Woman to woman and all that stuff.
Bob Simon is best covering the Middle East.
He’s not real great on warm and fuzzy. Never smiles or cracks a joke.
There is not a shred of evidence that he enjoyed face time with the Most Beautiful Woman on Earth.
It was an interview which could have used a little Viagra. Anything.
How about even a tough question.
You know, like on 60 Minutes.
She let slip something about being a bad girl and doing a lot of dumb and dangerous things. There were still shots of her as a fat lipped Hollywood wild child and estranged daughter of Jon Voight. He told the media that she was deranged.
Simon followed up.
But she got all pained and vulnerable. Slithered off and clammed up. With it anything at all interesting went flaccid.
With The Most Beautiful Woman on Earth for cripes sake.
The reason that this icon of Hollywood royalty consented to put up with cameras and questions was to promote her latest film.
No. Not some action thriller. Or weaper.
In this “low budget” film Jolie is Behind and never In Front of the camera.
Shot on location in Bosnia about an improbable love affair between an oppressed Muslim woman and her Bosnian keeper.
Hmm. Where have I heard that before?
It seems like a film destined for a week at a handful of art houses, a round of festivals, interviews with well selected critics, then straight to the bottom of your Netflix queue somewhere in the hundreds.
Only a handful transition from in front to behind the camera with any success.
Wearing her celebrity, designer bullet proof vest and tons of lip gloss she told Simon that she wants to direct more films.
Which may be the right career move for the soon to be former Most Beautiful Woman in the World. There isn’t much shelf life on the number one slot and maybe Scarlett Johansson is ready to move up a notch.
Simon mentioned that Jolie is a best seller for magazine covers or flacking expensive fashion stuff. Recently she was on the cover of Vanity Fair which we subscribe to. Bagging the groceries today she and her kids were on the covers of some gossip rags that cluster around the check out counter.
With evident disdain she demurred that she doesn’t know what people write about her. Gushing with a flutter of mascara and a puffy pout “That’s not who I am” she told Simon.
She won’t read this so it doesn’t much matter what we write.
That really hurts you know.
We try so hard.
Not that I envy Simon for the chance to interview Angelina and hang out with her.
We’re not on a level playing field and I wouldn’t know what to say.
Probably I would blurt out something friggin stupid like “You’re the Most Beautiful Woman on Earth” then stammer a follow up “What’s that like?”
She would shift her body seductively, perhaps drop the chin, look at me over half lids and with soft and vulnerable tones utter something incredible, dabbing at a tear “You can’t imagine the pain and suffering.”
Spontaneously I would reach out to grasp her hand reassuringly.
Angelina recoils in mock horror while a guard pops out of nowhere with an Uzi.
Everyone but me seems so interested in her kids. And Brad.
I am absolutely not interested in Brad or her kids.
But I do think you should draw a line between puppies and kids.
They shouldn’t be like a hobby.
She wouldn’t let 60 Minute photograph her kids but it was ok to shoot the mutt.
The media should stay away from the kids of celebrities. It seems great that we never see or know anything about the Obama kids. He and Michelle try hard to be good parents. Even in a fish bowl like the White House.
Angelina’s dog was cute actually. Maybe the kids are too. They say Brad is.
Cute that is.
But I think Johnny Depp is way cuter.
That’s just me.
I think John Malkovich is cute.
Way cuter than Brad.
Yes, Brad and Angelina are gorgeous.
No question about it.
Real easy on the eyes.
Just not very interesting.
Like not one word that Angelina told Bob Simon was even vaguely memorable.
But here I am going on and on about it.
Maybe like the editor of Vanity Fair or producer of 60 Minutes I think it will boost circulation. As a magazine about 20% of Vanity Fair is interesting. They send it to me for practically nothing.
So there you have it. Yet another article about the Most Beautiful Woman on Earth with absolutely nothing to say. Why did you bother to read this?
Sucker.
Sorry Angelina.
But, what the heck, you won’t read it anyway.